How your role identification impacts your stress levels 😞

As children we’re always asked ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’  

So we work hard at school to get the grades to ‘become something’ - a chef, a teacher, a footballer, a musician, a caregiver.  Then if we're lucky we're able to get somewhere close to a role we like.  I say lucky - it's not necessarily lucky at all. Because if we get too identified with that role, the challenges will often outweigh the benefits. Here's why. 

In the last blog I talked about how easy it is to become personally identified with an object, like your car. We can feel like the car is an extension of who we are, and any status that the car represents is also felt by us. The same thing can happen with the jobs we have, and the roles we play. 

When someone introduces themselves to you at a BBQ or a networking function, it's generally not long before someone asks 'what do you do?' It can become the central point of conversation, as if it’s the most important thing about us. For some there’s a sense of status that people respond to, and this increases the likelihood that we’ll identify closely with the role we have.

These roles are not who we are, but it can feel like they are. The clue is in the name - much like an actor on stage who takes on a role with a set of characteristics - they are not actually that character, and neither are you in your role at work. You can be proud of the role you play, the outcomes you have, and the impact you make. But you don't have to define yourself by something that is ultimately not in your control, as this comes with serious risk.

So it's not surprising that when this role is taken away from us, it can really hurt. Losing your job has financial implications but the personal impact can be even worse.  This is when we really get to see how closely identified we are with our roles.  

I've worked with a lot of people who have had their roles made redundant (and if you ever have to make redundancies, make sure you use that terminology - you are making their role redundant, they are not redundant). Much of my time in this space was during the digital transition of newspapers and what often shocked people most of all was the realisation that they were no longer 'a printer' or 'an editor'. This raised two problematic questions - firstly, if I'm not a printer then who am I? And secondly if no one needs printers any more does anyone need me?  

I helped them see that they were never ‘a printer’, they were someone who prints. A subtle but important difference that we do things, we are not actually these things. This is useful as it means that we can see a future where we use the skills that we have, rather than thinking we don't matter any more, just because we don't have that role.

It's not necessarily easy to disidentify with your role, but it's definitely possible. Start by noticing if you are attached to your role and then you can start to move away from this identification (there’s more on this type of thing at www.stresslessness.me) .

Focus on the skills you have learnt, the outcomes and the difference you make. This might take time and practice too, but it's worth doing. It'll reduce your stress levels now, and is especially useful if you ever lose your job, or retire. 

Instead of asking children what they want to become when they grow up, maybe a better question is ‘what difference do you want to make?, or ‘what skills do you want to learn?’

You're so much more than a role description.