How to drop the banana! 🍌🐒

Thinking, Unthinking and Syncing

A slight change to the blog format to make it more actionable.

Each week you’ll receive a email which will include :

1. Thinking: Something to think about - an insight, thought or shift in perspective

2. Unthinking: Something to stop thinking about

3. Syncing: An action you can take to get out of your head and into your life.

Here’s today’s:

1. Thinking (something to think about): We spend a lot of the time thinking about how things should be different to how they are, which is causing stress.

This is the ‘reality’ we create in our heads - the way things ‘should’ be.

• I should have been promoted by now

• They should take my idea seriously

• Customers should by what we’re selling

• There be more people registered for my event

We think people should behave in a certain way, and things should happen in the way we want them to. We can create any scenario in our mind, and think it ‘should’ happen, but of course that doesn’t mean that it will.

In the example of the monkey trap, the monkey is holding onto the thought that it ‘should’ be able to have the banana, but the reality is that it can’t have it. No matter how much it fights and pulls, the reality of what should be (having the banana) isn’t going to happen - no matter how much it thinks it should.

So when you don’t get that promotion that you think you should have been given, you’ll probably feel angry/frustrated/stressed. You’ll probably also create a narrative to support your ‘reality’ (why you deserved it more/why your manager has favourites/why you’re always overlooked etc). That may or may not be true, but the reality is you didn’t get the promotion. You’re resisting what’s actually happening right now, by overlaying a different version of reality in your head, which you are personally attached to.

It’s futile to keep resisting it. You’re holding onto the banana because you’ve become personally attached to the reality that your thoughts have created. But that version of reality where you have been promoted doesn’t exist (at least not yet). To keep listening to thoughts of why it should be different is creating resistance against the life you’re actually living in, and causing you stress.

2. Unthinking (something to unthink about): Stop thinking about how things should be, and focus on what’s actually happening right now.

   When you hold on to a reality in your head that doesn’t actually exist in real life you’re likely to feel stressed which your mind interprets as danger, so sends stress hormones around your body. Whether you should or shouldn’t have been promoted is a moot point at this time - the reality is that you weren’t.

   To feel less stressed, you need to stop thinking about how you think things should be, and accept how they actually are.

   Accepting what’s happening now, doesn’t mean you have to like it, or even accept the decision as final.

   You can absolutely take action to remedy the situation, but do it from the present moment that actually exists, and not some imaginary situation in your mind. It’s also going to be easier to talk to your manager if you’re living in the same reality they are, not one you’ve imagined in your head of how things should be.

3. Syncing - taking action to get in sync: To drop the banana you need to align with what’s actually happening.

   The first thing to do is notice you’re having these thoughts around how things should be. Whether you like it or not, the reality is what’s happening around you. You can’t have the banana. Accepting how things are doesn’t mean you have to like it - but stop resisting it, because it’s that resistance which is what’s causing you the stress (not the situation itself).

   No matter how hard you think it should be different, it’s not going to change in that moment. If you can accept that’s the case, and stop thinking about how things should be different, you’ll be able to let go of those thoughts, and new ones will come in that are aligned with how things are. This is far less stressful.

   Bottom line, if you can stop thinking about how things should be, and start from the place of reality of how they actually are, you’ll be able to let the thoughts go, and experience less stress. You’ll also be in a better position to create a future reality that’s more aligned with how you think things should be. But right now, you’re not there.

   This type of acceptance is supported by thousands of peer reviews studies. It’s not a new concept either, we just don’t get taught about it. Around 800 years ago, the philosopher Rumi said:

“The moment you accept the troubles you’ve been given, the door will open”

Action: Today, and this week, see if you can notice the role your mind is playing in creating thoughts around how things should be, that are different to how things actually are at that moment.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and how you get on with it. Send me a note at simon@stresslessness.me if you like.

There’s more info on detaching from thoughts at www.stresslessness.me in the Thought Management area.

There’ll be more next week too!